Collaborating with the Enemy: How to Work with People You Don't Agree with or Like or Trust

Wow, this really changed how I think about "enemyfying" the people I disagree with in professional and political circles. Adam Kahane provides a masterclass in how to move beyond the desire for control and instead embrace an emergent way of working together. I’ve read a lot of management books, but few address the reality that we often have to work with people we genuinely dislike or distrust. The metaphor of "crossing the river by feeling for stones" is beautiful and perfectly describes the experimentation needed in high-conflict zones. I found his analysis of the dialectic between love and power to be transformative for my own facilitation practice. Even though the writing style is simple, the wisdom contained in these pages is profound and immediately applicable. This should be required reading for anyone involved in community organizing or corporate leadership.

Finally got around to reading this and it’s easily one of the most important books for the current political climate. Kahane doesn't offer "kumbaya" solutions; he offers a gritty, realistic framework for working through radical differences without requiring everyone to like each other. The stories from Colombia, where leaders sat down with paramilitaries who had tried to kill them, were incredibly moving and put my own petty office conflicts into perspective. I loved the emphasis on the fact that you cannot change the system without being willing to change yourself first. The book is short, but every chapter is packed with insights that I’ve already started applying to my work with non-profits. It isn't often that a book fundamentally shifts your worldview, but this one managed to do exactly that. It is worth every penny.

After hearing Kahane speak on CBC radio, I had high expectations for this book, and for the most part, it delivered a much-needed perspective. This is truly a book for our times, especially given how divided our current political and social climates have become. Kahane challenges the myth that collaboration must be harmonious, arguing instead that we should embrace the discord and conflict inherent in any diverse group. I particularly loved the examples from his work with the global drug trade and South Africa’s transition away from apartheid. My only real gripe is that the writing can be a bit dull at times, which makes it a slow read despite the slim page count. Still, the guidelines for "unconventional collaboration" are practical enough to be used in any high-stakes environment. It’s a solid resource for anyone leading a team.

This book offers a radical alternative to the standard "win-win" negotiation tactics that often fail when people truly don't trust each other. I was wishing I was reading this with a highlighter in hand instead of listening to the audiobook during my morning commute! The sections on "co-creating" and "open listening" are particularly strong and provide a roadmap for moving forward when there is no consensus on the problem. To be fair, the author’s background at Shell and in government might make some of the examples feel a bit "elite," but the core principles are sound. It requires a lot of personal growth to admit that your own perspective might be part of the system’s failure. It isn't an easy book to implement, but it’s a necessary one for anyone trying to solve complex problems.

I’m torn on this one because while the message is vital for our polarized world, the delivery is somewhat dry and uninspiring. The author does a great job explaining why we need to work with people we dislike, yet he falls short when explaining the technical "how." The power-love framework alone made the purchase worth it for me, as it perfectly encapsulates the tension in any collaborative effort. However, the book is quite short and feels like it could have been a long-form essay rather than a full-length publication. To be honest, the writing isn't exactly scintillating, and I found myself getting distracted by the strange formatting choices. It’s a decent introductory text for those new to systems thinking, but seasoned facilitators might find it a bit basic.

Is it possible to enjoy a book while also finding it somewhat repetitive and a bit superficial in its analysis? Kahane is clearly a master of his craft, but this volume feels like a high-level overview rather than a deep dive into the mechanics of conflict. I appreciated the honesty regarding his failures in places like Colombia, which made the advice feel more authentic. Yet, I kept waiting for a "lightbulb moment" that never quite arrived during my reading of the middle chapters. The idea that we must accept being part of the problem to be part of the solution is a powerful takeaway that I will definitely reflect on. In my experience, these kinds of "stretch" collaborations are much harder to pull off than the book suggests. It is an okay starting point, but you will need other resources to actually do the work.

The central premise about "stretch collaboration" is intellectually interesting, but the execution falls flat for me. I was hoping for deep research and evidence-based strategies, but the book relies almost entirely on personal anecdotes and subjective reflections. While Kahane’s history in South Africa and Thailand is impressive, his "revelations" often felt like common sense dressed up in fancy terminology. I found the writing style a bit sluggish and struggled to stay engaged during the more theoretical chapters. To me, the most useful information was condensed into a single graphic on page 47 and the summary at the very end. Everything in between felt like filler that didn't quite justify the price of the book. It’s an okay read if you like hearing about high-level facilitation, but don't expect a rigorous academic study.

As an HR professional, I was expecting a new toolkit for mediation, but I found that most of these points are standard operating procedure in my field. Kahane speaks with authority, but his tone can come across as a bit self-indulgent when he recounts his successes. The concept of "enemyfying" others is a brilliant term, yet the book doesn't offer enough concrete guidance on how to stop doing it in the heat of a real argument. Look, the message is noble—we have to work together—but the path to get there is described through vague metaphors like "crossing the river by feeling for stones." It is frustrating because the author clearly knows his stuff, but he fails to translate that expertise into something the average reader can implement. I think there are better books on conflict resolution that are more grounded in reality.

Frankly, this was a massive disappointment given the hype surrounding Kahane's work in international conflict zones. The subtitle is incredibly misleading; I expected a manual for navigating office politics, but instead, I got stories about civil wars and paramilitary leaders. While the stakes are obviously higher in South Africa or Colombia, those examples feel light-years away from the daily grind of a corporate environment. The writing is surprisingly dull for such a high-stakes topic, and the amateurish illustrations actually made it harder for me to take the advice seriously. I found myself skimming by the halfway point because the "practical" tips felt more like vague philosophical musings. It is a rare case where a book’s title sounds more interesting than the actual content. Save your money and just look up the "power-love" framework online.

What a confusing title choice for what is essentially a memoir of international diplomacy rather than a functional business guide. I picked this up because I wanted better strategies for dealing with a toxic boss, but Kahane focuses on "enemies" who literally want to kill each other. Unless you are brokering peace between warring factions in the Middle East, most of the anecdotes won't feel applicable to your life. To be fair, the author clearly has a wealth of experience, but he spends more time bragging about the influential people he knows than providing actionable steps. The layout feels like a homemade leaflet, which is bizarre for a mainstream publication. It honestly felt like a waste of time to trudge through the repetitive stories about Shell and various government entities. I would not recommend this to anyone looking for workplace advice.