Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-discovery to Help You Get the Love
Alexandra H. Solomon
Taking Sexy Back provides a roadmap for women to reclaim their sexual agency. By shifting from external performance to internal desire, readers learn to foster authentic intimacy through relational self-awareness and vulnerability.

1 min 44 sec
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an intimate moment, only to realize that your mind is somewhere else entirely? Perhaps you’re wondering if you look okay, or if you’re making the right sounds, or if your partner is enjoying themselves, while your own pleasure feels like a distant second priority. This experience is incredibly common, yet it highlights a profound disconnect. It suggests that many of us are living our sexual lives according to an external script rather than an internal compass. This is the starting point for our exploration of Alexandra Solomon’s insights in Taking Sexy Back.
In the pages that follow, we aren’t just looking at how to improve techniques or spice things up in the bedroom. Instead, we are looking at a fundamental shift in how we relate to ourselves as sexual beings. The core journey we are embarking on is a transition from a performance-based sexuality—where we view ourselves through the eyes of others—to an authentic, embodied sexuality that rises from within. It’s about moving from being an object of desire to being a subject who desires.
Throughout this discussion, we will explore the cultural forces that have shaped our understanding of intimacy and how we can begin to dismantle them. We’ll look at the psychological tools necessary to navigate the complexities of long-term relationships and the science behind how our bodies and minds respond to attraction. This isn’t just a guide for individual empowerment; it’s a framework for building deeper, more honest connections with the people we love. By the end of this journey, the goal is to see sexuality not as a source of stress or performance anxiety, but as a vital expression of your truest self. Let’s dive into how we can start reclaiming that power and taking our authentic selves back into the bedroom and beyond.
2 min 35 sec
Explore why many people experience their intimate lives as a performance for others and how to begin reconnecting with your own internal signals of pleasure and desire.
2 min 40 sec
Learn how to use the ‘Name-Connect-Choose’ framework and the ‘Golden Equation’ to transform relationship friction into opportunities for deeper understanding and growth.
2 min 52 sec
Discover the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, and why managing the ‘brakes’ of your sexual system is often more important than hitting the ‘gas.’
2 min 37 sec
Uncover how vulnerability acts as the gateway to true intimacy and why self-kindness is the essential safety net when exploring new sexual frontiers.
2 min 45 sec
Examine the shift from rigid, role-based relationships to ‘soul-based’ connections where partners actively negotiate their own unique rules for intimacy and life.
2 min 17 sec
As we wrap up our journey through the insights of Alexandra Solomon, it becomes clear that taking our ‘sexy’ back is a deeply personal and transformative act of reclamation. It isn’t about reaching a destination of sexual perfection; it’s about the ongoing process of returning to ourselves. We’ve explored how to move from the ‘outside-in’ performance of sexuality to an ‘inside-out’ experience of true desire. We’ve seen how the tools of relational self-awareness—like the Golden Equation and the Name-Connect-Choose framework—can help us navigate the inevitable complexities of sharing our lives with another person.
We’ve also looked at the science of the ‘gas’ and the ‘brakes,’ reminding us that our sexual response is deeply tied to our emotional and physical environment. By understanding responsive desire and the importance of lifting the brakes of stress and disconnection, we can approach our intimate lives with more compassion and less judgment. The Sacred Trio of risk, trust, and self-compassion provides the safety net we need to explore our deepest fantasies and truths, while the shift toward soul-based partnerships allows us to build relationships that are as unique and authentic as we are.
The throughline of all these ideas is the power of presence. When we stop performing and start being, when we stop fixing and start witnessing, and when we stop following scripts and start listening to our own hearts, we open up a world of possibility. Authentic sexuality is a vital part of a life well-lived. It’s a source of joy, connection, and profound self-knowledge.
So, as you move forward, I encourage you to take one small step toward your own ‘inside-out’ sexuality today. Perhaps it’s a moment of quiet check-in with your body, or a vulnerable conversation with a partner, or simply the decision to be a little kinder to yourself when things feel complicated. Remember, your sexual self is yours to define, to explore, and to cherish. By reclaiming that agency, you aren’t just improving your intimate life—you are honoring the core of who you are. Thank you for joining us on this exploration. Now, go forth and inhabit your own truth.
This guide explores the complex landscape of modern female sexuality, addressing the disconnect many feel between cultural expectations and personal desire. It promises to help individuals move beyond a performance-based sexual life and toward one rooted in authentic self-knowledge. By introducing the concept of inside-out sexuality, the book encourages readers to dismantle old scripts and build relationships based on mutual trust and genuine connection. Through the lens of relational self-awareness, the text offers practical frameworks for understanding arousal, navigating emotional baggage, and communicating needs. It shifts the focus from achieving specific outcomes to cultivating a deeper sense of aliveness and presence. Ultimately, the book provides the tools necessary to define sexuality on one's own terms, creating a path toward more fulfilling and equitable intimate partnerships.
Alexandra Solomon is a renowned relationship expert, clinical psychologist, and professor of the popular Marriage 101 course. She has helped millions through her Relational Self-Awareness framework and is the author of books Loving Bravely and Love Every Day.
Alexandra H. Solomon
Listeners find the writing highly informative, with one noting its focus on intentional application practices. They characterize the material as empowering, and one listener even likens the reading experience to receiving an enlightening hug.
This book feels like a warm, enlightening hug from a very wise friend who just happens to be a psychologist. Alexandra Solomon does an incredible job of making complex psychological concepts accessible without stripping away their depth. I felt truly empowered while reading, especially during the sections on relational self-awareness and learning how to define "sexy" on my own terms. The tone is gentle yet firm, pushing you to confront those dusty old scripts we've all been handed about our bodies. Truth is, I wish I had this in my early twenties before I let society dictate my worth. It’s an educational masterpiece for anyone wanting to reclaim their autonomy and navigate intimacy with more confidence.
Show moreAs a queer woman, I often find self-help books on sexuality to be heteronormative and alienating. Solomon completely breaks that mold here by challenging the gender binary and offering perspectives that feel genuinely inclusive of all identities. The focus on mindfulness and the "gas and brake" pedals of desire provided a framework that finally made sense to my lived experience. Not gonna lie, I was worried it would be another book full of magazine-style quizzes, but it’s actually a deep dive into social paradigms. It’s empowering to see these topics handled with such care and intellectual rigor in a mainstream publication. Highly recommended for everyone.
Show moreFinally got around to reading this, and I honestly think every woman should have a copy on her nightstand. It reads like a long, supportive conversation with a group of friends where no topic is off-limits or shameful. Solomon’s writing is simple and approachable, making the heavy lifting of unlearning toxic cultural norms feel manageable. I love how she emphasizes that sexuality is a journey of self-discovery rather than a destination to be reached. This book is a companion for anyone trying to find their voice and navigate the complexities of desire in a confusing world. It’s a beautiful, life-affirming piece of work that I'll keep forever.
Show moreI've been looking for a resource that treats sexuality as a journey of mindfulness rather than just a series of tips and tricks. Solomon delivers exactly that by focusing on the internal work necessary to reclaim one's agency. The book is an enlightening hug for the soul, providing the language to discuss things I’ve felt but couldn't quite name. It’s rare to find a book that is both academically grounded and deeply emotional. Whether you are single or in a relationship, the insights on how we perceive ourselves and our worth are invaluable. This is easily one of the most empowering books I’ve read this year.
Show moreEver wonder why we carry so much baggage regarding our own bodies and desires? Solomon tackles this head-on by dismantling the harmful cultural messages that women absorb from a young age. I found the distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire particularly eye-opening, as it normalized so much of what I’ve felt in my own long-term relationships. To be fair, the "Your Sexy" branding feels a little gimmicky and dated, which initially made me skeptical of the content. However, the substance far outweighs the marketing. It’s a solid, informative resource for anyone looking to build a more mindful connection with their sexuality and improve their communication with partners.
Show moreWow, the depth of relational self-awareness explored here is exactly what the modern woman needs. The author treats the reader like an equal, creating a space for a conversation that feels as intimate as talking to a close sister. I appreciated the intentional application practices included at the end of the chapters, even if some of them felt a bit abstract at times. The book moves beyond just "sex" and looks at how we communicate our needs and boundaries in every aspect of our lives. It’s a very informative read, though I must admit the title is a bit embarrassing to carry around on the subway!
Show moreAfter hearing so much buzz about 'Taking Sexy Back,' I was prepared for a lot of fluff, but the actual content is surprisingly educational. Solomon’s approach to dismantling the "sexual double standard" is both rigorous and compassionate. I particularly enjoyed the sections on how our history and past relationships shape our current communication styles and hang-ups. My only real gripe is that I wanted the journaling sections to go even deeper into the "how-to" of emotional healing. Still, the focus on curiosity over judgment is a message I think everyone needs to hear. It’s a big step forward for mainstream conversations on female sexuality and empowerment.
Show moreLook, the title is definitely a bit cringey, but don't let that stop you from diving into the intentional application practices inside. This book is much more than a guide to sex; it’s a manual for understanding your own psychological makeup. The way the author explains the "brakes" and "accelerators" of desire changed how I view my own body's responses during intimacy. It’s informative without being clinical, and the tone remains encouraging throughout. While I wish there were more diverse case studies, the core message of relational self-awareness is incredibly powerful. It definitely helped me reflect on my own perceptions of intimacy and how I interact with my partner.
Show morePicked this up because I’m a huge fan of Dr. Solomon’s podcast, but I have mixed feelings about the final product. While the information provided is undoubtedly crucial and the writing is friendly, I felt the book lacked the specific tools I was searching for. The journaling prompts felt a bit repetitive after a while, and I wanted more concrete, actionable exercises to practice in my daily life. It’s a great introduction to reclaiming your agency, and the inclusivity regarding queer perspectives is a huge plus. Frankly, it just felt like it ended right when I was getting ready to do the real work of transformation.
Show moreThe chapter on dismantling social paradigms started strong, but I ultimately struggled to connect with the author's voice throughout the rest of the book. Personally, the concept of "Your Sexy" just didn't resonate with me; it felt a bit too forced and "self-help-y" for my taste. While I can see how the educational aspects would be helpful for some, it felt like a recap of things I’ve already heard in other psychology podcasts. I wanted something more earth-shattering or provocative, but this felt a bit safe and surface-level. It's okay as a starter guide, but if you're already well-read in this area, you might find it redundant.
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